Got a new pick up line for ya...

"Hi I'm getting ur number by the end of the night,

it may be a fake one 

but I'm still getting it."

wait... what??

Guy: Do you have a boyfriend?

Girl: Yes. 

Guy: Want another one?

Girl: No.

Guy: Yeah... me neither. 

YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE FROM LONDON!!!

Normally accents make people hot. When a British accent isn't enough, quote Monty Python. Inccessantly. I don't think British people like this very much.

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!!!

i wanna get hit by a car

hey dude... you pointing at me and saying "YOU! I wanna go home with her!!" as you cross the street from one bar to another is not going to get you a girl. It's going to get you hit by a car.

Idiot!!!

And P to the S... why do guys think pointing at you is an acceptable pick up line??? Like, OMG! I'm it! He picked me!!! Um. No. I'm not a lobster in a tank, guy. 

"Yeah, I'll take that 125 lb one in the right hand corner.

just keep swimming, guy

Today, let's talk about THIS guy.

because he's THAT guy

THAT guy: You girls want to come back to my place to go swimming?

US: No.

THAT guy: Beautiful views of the city, roof top pool. It's soo cool. I'm sooo cool! 

US: No.

THAT guy: C'mon, girls. Don't you like swimming? It'll be fun.

US: No. 

THAT guy: Like I said, it's got a great view of the city. On the rooftop. I'm not rich by any means, it's not my place, but it's cool. 

ME: Wait, you're NOT rich?

THAT guy: Is that the kind of girl you are? Only into rich guys?

ME: Yep.* What kind of car do you drive?

THAT guy: Yeah, good luck with that. and then under his breath... Shallow bitch.

And that, my friends, is how to get rid of a creepy loser. 

*No, we're not really this shallow, but we had to get rid of him somehow... 

Watch-a doing?

Guy in bar grabs girl's wrist tenderly of course. 

"I love your watch! Is that a Rolex?" He asks her.

"Um. No. It's a FOSSIL." She replies. 

Not. A. Rolex.

You're Married? Well then Eff you!

How not to pick up a married chick. 

I ain't no hollaback girl

Girl, I've been wanting to holla' at you all night. 

What the hell am I? A pig?

 Soooieeeee!!!! 

one day he'll find the right guhl

eh guhl how's yous doins guhl. come back and kick it wit' me ya know guhl?

does this really work??? no.

dirty thirty

While out for my 30th birthday with a tiara on my head:

"How old are you?"

"30"

"Me, too! We should date!"

Oh right. Swoon! Calling all 30 year old men out there - come date me! We have so much in common!!!!

how to be unprofessional

Overheard in the girls' bathroom at a bar over the weekend:

"He was like - your breasts, are they sore, too?"

Apparently, the girl had a very forward masseuse...

That's not your real name

"Hi I'm Clay and I'm putty in your hands"

 Some suggestions, Clay, if that IS your real name:

"Hi I'm Clay and you can fire up my kiln anytime."

"Hi I'm Clay and you can shape me anyway you'd like."

"Hi I'm Clay and I'm going to make a douchey pun about pottery."

You have really good facial structure.. it's breathtaking.

And you sound like a plastic surgeon. G'day.

No I will not go home with you

Even if you say "we don't have to do anything."

LOSER.

guys trying to impress girls with guitars

guy with guitar: "what song do you want to hear?"

me: "you know any zeppelin?"

guy with guitar: "nah, but I know Tom Petty."

me: "what about pearl jam?"

guy with guitar: "How about this Tom Petty song?"

me: "how do you not know any Zeppelin?"

guy with guitar: "How about this Tom Petty song?"

me: "oh, so you only know one song then?"

guy-trying-too-hard-for-a-lay's anatomy

the following conversation occurred in my friend k's condo complex. on a side note,  i really hope this guy doesn't live there. 

creepy dude "you have a nice anatomy"

my friend k: "um... thanks?"

"it's a good thing."

what she should have said: you sound like a serial killer. who likes my anatomy? dexter? 

Blame it on the A-a-a-a-a-a-cohol...

If I gave you the wrong number, don't assume I'm being a bitch. 

I might just be really, really drunk. 

I don't care what Britney says about 3...

I don't want to have a threesome.

With you and your friend.

Your friend who's a dude.

Ew. 

Make sure your boyfriend isn't going to cockblock...

I met this girl out at the bar. We were having a great time. She was awesome. 

We went back to her place score and her boyfriend was passed out on her stoop. 

I went home alone.

Man UP and ask me out already!

I'm familiar with courting. It was sweet and romantic in the 11th century maybe. Doing it in the 21st century is just lazy.

Unless I'm a member of a the Duggar family (which I'm not), you don't need to court me. Ask me on a damn date already and stop calling to have conversations to "get to know me better." 

MAN UP!

No, you may not cut in!

If I dancing with another guy, I probably don't want you to pull me away from him. That's not romantic. Especially when you're a drunken mess who grabs my wrist like you're going to throw me in an unmarked van.

Not cool. 

Ford the Win!!

RT @moooooog35: In my quest to become the World's Greatest Pickup Artist, I just painted an awesome picture of a Ford F-150.

Just a suggestion...

If my friend doesn't want to give you her number, I probably don't want to either.

No I will NOT be your consolation prize!

You can't hold my purse hostage!!!

Seriously. I didn't leave my purse over at your place on purpose. I know sometimes girls do that (but not me, of course), but this is not one of those times.  I probably was trying to get out of there as quickly as possible after a lackluster time.

When I call you asking to retrieve it, I don't want to go to dinner with you to get it back. 

Don't MAKE me go to dinner with you to get it back. 

I don't want to date you. I just want my purse back.

UGH. Sometimes cancelling your credit cards and going to the DMV is just easier than dealing with a lame dude. 

Culture Shock

Stacey shared this tale with us:

Location: East Africa

Guy: "For a $100 I will let you have my baby."

Me: "Can I get a side of AIDS with that, too?"