Celebrate Your Independence

FRIDAY NIGHT ICE-BREAKER:
YOU: Hey! I'll buy you a star-spangled cocktail of your choice if you can tell me what a rampart is? NEW FRIEND: A fortification usually constructed from a mound of dirt?!? YOU: Holy cow! If Francis Scott Key were here, he'd surely invite you to his plantation for mint juleps.  How about my apartment for boxed wine? Thanks to the Friday Dance  for this gem

It's A Guy/Girl Thing

Guy: hey, can I tell you a joke?

Girl: sure

Guy: Well, I was going to tell you one about my dick, but it's too long (laugh).

Girl: and then maybe I'd tell you one about my pussy, but you'd never get up.

The curse of the January 4, 1969 birthdate

Woman at bar: "I can't figure our why all these guys keep sending me lewd messages on Match.com!"

Her friend: "Maybe it's your screen name?"

Woman at bar: "But it's just my name and birthdate...!"

Her friend:" Jennifer1469?"

Oh. 

dirty thirty

While out for my 30th birthday with a tiara on my head:

"How old are you?"

"30"

"Me, too! We should date!"

Oh right. Swoon! Calling all 30 year old men out there - come date me! We have so much in common!!!!

Blame it on the A-a-a-a-a-a-cohol...

If I gave you the wrong number, don't assume I'm being a bitch. 

I might just be really, really drunk. 

Make sure your boyfriend isn't going to cockblock...

I met this girl out at the bar. We were having a great time. She was awesome. 

We went back to her place score and her boyfriend was passed out on her stoop. 

I went home alone.

santa, baby

When out on a Santa Pub Crawl and everyone is dressed as Santa, it's not original to ask a girl if she's been "naughty or nice." It's been done. And no, I don't want to play any reindeer games.

"What's a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice. Hi, my name is Matt."

- Some guy (apparently named Matt) at Sharkeez in Manhattan Beach, CA

To quote David Allen Coe, "You never even called me by my name!"

Some bar in Athens, GA circa 2003

Guy: "Heather! Hey Heather!"

Me: "Um.. my name's not Heather."

Guy: "Oh. Are you sure?"

Me: "Nope. I forgot my own name. And lucky me! Here you are, gallivanting on over, to save the day! Yes! It IS Heather and now I want to make out with you. Now, take me to bed or lose me forever! SWOON."

Note: That last part? Yeah. Totally didn't happen.


you can submit your own pick-up stories to: shirtordress@gmail.com