Wednesday, November 26, 2008

To quote David Allen Coe, "You never even called me by my name!"

Some bar in Athens, GA circa 2003

Guy: "Heather! Hey Heather!"

Me: "Um.. my name's not Heather."

Guy: "Oh. Are you sure?"

Me: "Nope. I forgot my own name. And lucky me! Here you are, gallivanting on over, to save the day! Yes! It IS Heather and now I want to make out with you. Now, take me to bed or lose me forever! SWOON."

Note: That last part? Yeah. Totally didn't happen.

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Friday, November 21, 2008

I could have babysat you....

Los Angeles, 2008
I'm 28 and on the Subway. Two teenagers discuss the girl they were just talking to.
Teenager #1: "Dude, I think she was married."
Teenager #2: "No way! She was so into me!"
Teenager #1: "She had a ring on - wait what hand does it have to be on?"
Teenager #2: "I don't know," turns to me, "Which hand does a woman wear a wedding ring?"
Me: "The left."
Teenager #2 looks down at my hand.
"How come you don't have a ring on?"
I think - ha! Long story...
"Can I put a ring on your finger?"
I start walking away briskly....
"Ah c'mon! I can make you feel like you're 18 again!"
Oh wow. He didn't just say what I thought he did...

Did THAT just happen?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Please do NOT threaten to serial kill me.

You would think that a change of venue would help aid NK, Kim, and I in our quest for a normal evening out. A normal evening out away from the douchebags of East Andrews (read about our unfortunate d-bag encounter below). Sadly, this is not the case. Even in Midtown (the one place in Atlanta where a girl should feel sheltered from the inane pick-up attempts from the opposite sex - well... okay maybe not), we attract total nutjobs.

Like, this guy, seen pictured below. Oh yes, he is indeed wearing a jean jacket, shorts, and mandals.* What you can't see? His perfectly coifed hair.

What you also can't see is his poorly executed pick up line. Which went a little something like this: "I have an idea. The three of you can come back with me to my place. I'll get you naked. I'll wrap you all up in saran wrap - don't worry I'll poke holes so you can breathe - and we'll all have a good time. Sound good?"Um. No, Ted Bundy, we would not like you to serial kill us.

Now, upon further investigation (as in me texting seventy million people regarding this incident), it has been brought to my attention that it's a movie quote. Oh! Happy day! It's a movie quote. A movie quote from "The Break-up," which in case you have forgotten (and you probably have) is one of Vince Vaughan's crappier movies. But a movie quote - well that makes it all better! No. Actually... it doesn't. I'm all for quoting movies, but pick something a tad bit romantic, okay? I mean, maybe something from "Hope Floats," "Notting Hill," or something else starring Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts (oh, but don't call me a prostitute. Probably a bad idea). Hell, quote the "Spongebob Squarepants" movie for all I care. But saran wrap? I mean, what in the H-e-double hockey sticks are you trying to pull here, jeanjacketmandalsshortsman?

*Note: Mandals, or sandals for men, are right up there with jean shorts. I mean, unless you are a greek philosopher, a roman soldier, or Jesus himself, as a man you should never ever wear sandals.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

How NOT to proliferate interracial dating...

From Lacey Bean over at "Perks of Being a Jap":

I was like 17 years old, and bike riding around a park near my house. Got a drink of water at the fountain, and as a rode away, some Hispanic dude yelled after me, "Yo, Shorty! I never made it with a white girl before!"
Um... Neither have I?

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Monday, November 17, 2008

The sad state of the world... here's how NOT to pick up a girl

Ok, not that I think people find their soul mates in bars or anything, but show some class people. Last Friday, we made the mistake of going out to East Andrews in Atlanta, which quite possibly could be the worst tool bag bar I've ever been to in my life. I mean, any stupid pick up line you could think of was used on me and my friends that night.

"Hey, did you girls, uh, drop this, uh, lighter?"

Um... seriously? Have you seen ANY of us smoking all night? You've only been standing there for about an hour trying to figure out what to say as your "icebreaker."

"Why do you have such a big purse? I mean, why would you ever need a purse that big? Do you have, like, your dog in there or something?"
Um no. I don't carry my dog in my purse. In fact, I would never even think about owning a dog that could even fit into a purse. Any dog under 40 pounds sucks and we all know this. And insulting my fashion sense isn't going to make me swoon.

This one, however takes the cake:
Crazy Guy to Nicky: "Not bad.Not bad at all."

I might add that he said this as he was looking her up and down like a crazy pedophile might look at a 4th grader. It was gross.

Crazy Guy: "See, I've been checking you four out for the last 20 minutes or so and I've decided she's the one." (points to Nicky)
Crazy Guy to Kim (as Kim looks at himwith the ultimate look of disgust): "You're just mad because I didn't pick you."
Kim: "No, I'm just mad because you're treating my friend like she's a piece of meat."

Crazy Guy then tries to insult Kim the best he can (it's hard, she's gorgeous). The phrase, "otherwise you're pretty hot" comes up. What a d-bag.

20 minutes later at the bar, I find myself next to Crazy Guy. Ugh. I try to get out of this "it's only going get worse before it gets better" situation but he looks at me and says:

"You're just mad because I didn't pick you."

Me to Crazy Guy: "Yeah, you wish."

Crazy Guy to me: "Its ok, honey. Just lose about 10 pounds and then we'll talk."

Right. Ok... I then went back and told Nicky and she just Swooned. She found this guy and then went home with him. I mean, she was super impressed that he could insult all of her friends like that. It's a talent you don't find in most men. Ok, so that last part didn't happen because, well, why the hell would it??

And that, my friends, is how you do NOT pick up a girl.

The end.