YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE FROM LONDON!!!

Normally accents make people hot. When a British accent isn't enough, quote Monty Python. Inccessantly. I don't think British people like this very much.

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!!!

i wanna get hit by a car

hey dude... you pointing at me and saying "YOU! I wanna go home with her!!" as you cross the street from one bar to another is not going to get you a girl. It's going to get you hit by a car.

Idiot!!!

And P to the S... why do guys think pointing at you is an acceptable pick up line??? Like, OMG! I'm it! He picked me!!! Um. No. I'm not a lobster in a tank, guy. 

"Yeah, I'll take that 125 lb one in the right hand corner.

just keep swimming, guy

Today, let's talk about THIS guy.

because he's THAT guy

THAT guy: You girls want to come back to my place to go swimming?

US: No.

THAT guy: Beautiful views of the city, roof top pool. It's soo cool. I'm sooo cool! 

US: No.

THAT guy: C'mon, girls. Don't you like swimming? It'll be fun.

US: No. 

THAT guy: Like I said, it's got a great view of the city. On the rooftop. I'm not rich by any means, it's not my place, but it's cool. 

ME: Wait, you're NOT rich?

THAT guy: Is that the kind of girl you are? Only into rich guys?

ME: Yep.* What kind of car do you drive?

THAT guy: Yeah, good luck with that. and then under his breath... Shallow bitch.

And that, my friends, is how to get rid of a creepy loser. 

*No, we're not really this shallow, but we had to get rid of him somehow... 

Watch-a doing?

Guy in bar grabs girl's wrist tenderly of course. 

"I love your watch! Is that a Rolex?" He asks her.

"Um. No. It's a FOSSIL." She replies. 

Not. A. Rolex.

You're Married? Well then Eff you!

How not to pick up a married chick. 

I ain't no hollaback girl

Girl, I've been wanting to holla' at you all night. 

What the hell am I? A pig?

 Soooieeeee!!!! 

one day he'll find the right guhl

eh guhl how's yous doins guhl. come back and kick it wit' me ya know guhl?

does this really work??? no.

dirty thirty

While out for my 30th birthday with a tiara on my head:

"How old are you?"

"30"

"Me, too! We should date!"

Oh right. Swoon! Calling all 30 year old men out there - come date me! We have so much in common!!!!

how to be unprofessional

Overheard in the girls' bathroom at a bar over the weekend:

"He was like - your breasts, are they sore, too?"

Apparently, the girl had a very forward masseuse...

That's not your real name

"Hi I'm Clay and I'm putty in your hands"

 Some suggestions, Clay, if that IS your real name:

"Hi I'm Clay and you can fire up my kiln anytime."

"Hi I'm Clay and you can shape me anyway you'd like."

"Hi I'm Clay and I'm going to make a douchey pun about pottery."

You have really good facial structure.. it's breathtaking.

And you sound like a plastic surgeon. G'day.