go see the movie role models!

girl, you're sexy like a chocolate strawberry

santa, baby

When out on a Santa Pub Crawl and everyone is dressed as Santa, it's not original to ask a girl if she's been "naughty or nice." It's been done. And no, I don't want to play any reindeer games.

Take a Hint

If I don't return your text right away, you don't need to text me 4 more times. Give me like, at least a day to reply. Especially if said texts are during work hours. Also, if you DO text 4 more times and call again within 2 hours, I will probably lose any desire I had to text you back or pick up my phone. Actually, I WILL lose all desire to text you back or pick up my phone.

Furthermore, if you decide to call AGAIN two hours later and that would surely not ever happen, right? and I STILL don't respond, don't text me and call me ever again. Certainly not 4 more times in the next two days. Also, if I politely rebuff your request for a date after these 72 hours of overzealous texting/phone calling/me ignoring you, take a hint. Probably just not that into you. Could be I'm not over an ex, I don't feel like dating right now, I am having a fat day, or oh, I don't know, you scared the crap out of me with you psychoness.

Last, I'll say this. No, it's not my loss. Unless by "loss" you mean it's me dodging a freakin' bullet.

Not that this has ever happened to me before... just some friendly advice.

You look like my sister

Click here to read what NOT to say in a Starbucks...

"What's a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice. Hi, my name is Matt."

- Some guy (apparently named Matt) at Sharkeez in Manhattan Beach, CA

To quote David Allen Coe, "You never even called me by my name!"

Some bar in Athens, GA circa 2003

Guy: "Heather! Hey Heather!"

Me: "Um.. my name's not Heather."

Guy: "Oh. Are you sure?"

Me: "Nope. I forgot my own name. And lucky me! Here you are, gallivanting on over, to save the day! Yes! It IS Heather and now I want to make out with you. Now, take me to bed or lose me forever! SWOON."

Note: That last part? Yeah. Totally didn't happen.


you can submit your own pick-up stories to: shirtordress@gmail.com

I could have babysat you....

Los Angeles, 2008
I'm 28 and on the Subway. Two teenagers discuss the girl they were just talking to.
Teenager #1: "Dude, I think she was married."
Teenager #2: "No way! She was so into me!"
Teenager #1: "She had a ring on - wait what hand does it have to be on?"
Teenager #2: "I don't know," turns to me, "Which hand does a woman wear a wedding ring?"
Me: "The left."
Teenager #2 looks down at my hand.
"How come you don't have a ring on?"
I think - ha! Long story...
"Can I put a ring on your finger?"
I start walking away briskly....
"Ah c'mon! I can make you feel like you're 18 again!"
Oh wow. He didn't just say what I thought he did...

Did THAT just happen?