Celebrate Your Independence

FRIDAY NIGHT ICE-BREAKER:
YOU: Hey! I'll buy you a star-spangled cocktail of your choice if you can tell me what a rampart is? NEW FRIEND: A fortification usually constructed from a mound of dirt?!? YOU: Holy cow! If Francis Scott Key were here, he'd surely invite you to his plantation for mint juleps.  How about my apartment for boxed wine? Thanks to the Friday Dance  for this gem

It's A Guy/Girl Thing

Guy: hey, can I tell you a joke?

Girl: sure

Guy: Well, I was going to tell you one about my dick, but it's too long (laugh).

Girl: and then maybe I'd tell you one about my pussy, but you'd never get up.

The curse of the January 4, 1969 birthdate

Woman at bar: "I can't figure our why all these guys keep sending me lewd messages on Match.com!"

Her friend: "Maybe it's your screen name?"

Woman at bar: "But it's just my name and birthdate...!"

Her friend:" Jennifer1469?"

Oh. 

#WorstPickUpLines

#WorstPickUpLines is trending on Twitter. Oh the gold mine...

What's your sign?

Um... I'm not sure anymore.

Astrologers now say that your zodiac sign may not be what you think.

How will this affect the classic pick up line? Does it really matter?

Got a new pick up line for ya...

"Hi I'm getting ur number by the end of the night,

it may be a fake one 

but I'm still getting it."

wait... what??

Guy: Do you have a boyfriend?

Girl: Yes. 

Guy: Want another one?

Girl: No.

Guy: Yeah... me neither. 

YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE FROM LONDON!!!

Normally accents make people hot. When a British accent isn't enough, quote Monty Python. Inccessantly. I don't think British people like this very much.

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!!!

i wanna get hit by a car

hey dude... you pointing at me and saying "YOU! I wanna go home with her!!" as you cross the street from one bar to another is not going to get you a girl. It's going to get you hit by a car.

Idiot!!!

And P to the S... why do guys think pointing at you is an acceptable pick up line??? Like, OMG! I'm it! He picked me!!! Um. No. I'm not a lobster in a tank, guy. 

"Yeah, I'll take that 125 lb one in the right hand corner.

just keep swimming, guy

Today, let's talk about THIS guy.

because he's THAT guy

THAT guy: You girls want to come back to my place to go swimming?

US: No.

THAT guy: Beautiful views of the city, roof top pool. It's soo cool. I'm sooo cool! 

US: No.

THAT guy: C'mon, girls. Don't you like swimming? It'll be fun.

US: No. 

THAT guy: Like I said, it's got a great view of the city. On the rooftop. I'm not rich by any means, it's not my place, but it's cool. 

ME: Wait, you're NOT rich?

THAT guy: Is that the kind of girl you are? Only into rich guys?

ME: Yep.* What kind of car do you drive?

THAT guy: Yeah, good luck with that. and then under his breath... Shallow bitch.

And that, my friends, is how to get rid of a creepy loser. 

*No, we're not really this shallow, but we had to get rid of him somehow... 

Watch-a doing?

Guy in bar grabs girl's wrist tenderly of course. 

"I love your watch! Is that a Rolex?" He asks her.

"Um. No. It's a FOSSIL." She replies. 

Not. A. Rolex.

You're Married? Well then Eff you!

How not to pick up a married chick. 

I ain't no hollaback girl

Girl, I've been wanting to holla' at you all night. 

What the hell am I? A pig?

 Soooieeeee!!!! 

one day he'll find the right guhl

eh guhl how's yous doins guhl. come back and kick it wit' me ya know guhl?

does this really work??? no.

dirty thirty

While out for my 30th birthday with a tiara on my head:

"How old are you?"

"30"

"Me, too! We should date!"

Oh right. Swoon! Calling all 30 year old men out there - come date me! We have so much in common!!!!

how to be unprofessional

Overheard in the girls' bathroom at a bar over the weekend:

"He was like - your breasts, are they sore, too?"

Apparently, the girl had a very forward masseuse...

That's not your real name

"Hi I'm Clay and I'm putty in your hands"

 Some suggestions, Clay, if that IS your real name:

"Hi I'm Clay and you can fire up my kiln anytime."

"Hi I'm Clay and you can shape me anyway you'd like."

"Hi I'm Clay and I'm going to make a douchey pun about pottery."

You have really good facial structure.. it's breathtaking.

And you sound like a plastic surgeon. G'day.

No I will not go home with you

Even if you say "we don't have to do anything."

LOSER.

guys trying to impress girls with guitars

guy with guitar: "what song do you want to hear?"

me: "you know any zeppelin?"

guy with guitar: "nah, but I know Tom Petty."

me: "what about pearl jam?"

guy with guitar: "How about this Tom Petty song?"

me: "how do you not know any Zeppelin?"

guy with guitar: "How about this Tom Petty song?"

me: "oh, so you only know one song then?"