one day he'll find the right guhl

eh guhl how's yous doins guhl. come back and kick it wit' me ya know guhl?

does this really work??? no.

dirty thirty

While out for my 30th birthday with a tiara on my head:

"How old are you?"

"30"

"Me, too! We should date!"

Oh right. Swoon! Calling all 30 year old men out there - come date me! We have so much in common!!!!

how to be unprofessional

Overheard in the girls' bathroom at a bar over the weekend:

"He was like - your breasts, are they sore, too?"

Apparently, the girl had a very forward masseuse...

That's not your real name

"Hi I'm Clay and I'm putty in your hands"

 Some suggestions, Clay, if that IS your real name:

"Hi I'm Clay and you can fire up my kiln anytime."

"Hi I'm Clay and you can shape me anyway you'd like."

"Hi I'm Clay and I'm going to make a douchey pun about pottery."

You have really good facial structure.. it's breathtaking.

And you sound like a plastic surgeon. G'day.

No I will not go home with you

Even if you say "we don't have to do anything."

LOSER.

guys trying to impress girls with guitars

guy with guitar: "what song do you want to hear?"

me: "you know any zeppelin?"

guy with guitar: "nah, but I know Tom Petty."

me: "what about pearl jam?"

guy with guitar: "How about this Tom Petty song?"

me: "how do you not know any Zeppelin?"

guy with guitar: "How about this Tom Petty song?"

me: "oh, so you only know one song then?"