Don't Pick Me Up

Celebrate Your Independence

2011-07-01T08:15:00.001-07:00

FRIDAY NIGHT ICE-BREAKER:
YOU: Hey! I'll buy you a star-spangled cocktail of your choice if you can tell me what a rampart is? NEW FRIEND: A fortification usually constructed from a mound of dirt?!? YOU: Holy cow! If Francis Scott Key were here, he'd surely invite you to his plantation for mint juleps. How about my apartment for boxed wine? Thanks to the Friday Dance for this gem

It's A Guy/Girl Thing

2011-06-30T10:10:00.000-07:00

Guy: hey, can I tell you a joke?

Girl: sure

Guy: Well, I was going to tell you one about my dick, but it's too long (laugh).

Girl: and then maybe I'd tell you one about my pussy, but you'd never get up.

The curse of the January 4, 1969 birthdate

2011-06-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

Woman at bar: "I can't figure our why all these guys keep sending me lewd messages on Match.com!"

Her friend: "Maybe it's your screen name?"

Woman at bar: "But it's just my name and birthdate...!"

Her friend:" Jennifer1469?"

Oh.

#WorstPickUpLines

2011-06-24T12:46:00.001-07:00

#WorstPickUpLines is trending on Twitter. Oh the gold mine...

What's your sign?

2011-01-13T15:14:00.000-08:00

Um... I'm not sure anymore.

Astrologers now say that your zodiac sign may not be what you think.

How will this affect the classic pick up line? Does it really matter?

Got a new pick up line for ya...

2010-12-20T11:27:00.000-08:00

"Hi I'm getting ur number by the end of the night,

it may be a fake one

but I'm still getting it."

wait... what??

2010-10-01T09:22:00.000-07:00

Guy: Do you have a boyfriend?

Girl: Yes.

Guy: Want another one?

Girl: No.

Guy: Yeah... me neither.

YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE FROM LONDON!!!

2010-09-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

Normally accents make people hot. When a British accent isn't enough, quote Monty Python. Inccessantly. I don't think British people like this very much.

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!!!

i wanna get hit by a car

2010-09-29T09:09:00.000-07:00

hey dude... you pointing at me and saying "YOU! I wanna go home with her!!" as you cross the street from one bar to another is not going to get you a girl. It's going to get you hit by a car.

Idiot!!!

And P to the S... why do guys think pointing at you is an acceptable pick up line??? Like, OMG! I'm it! He picked me!!! Um. No. I'm not a lobster in a tank, guy.

"Yeah, I'll take that 125 lb one in the right hand corner.

just keep swimming, guy

2010-09-28T08:17:00.000-07:00

Today, let's talk about THIS guy.

because he's THAT guy

THAT guy: You girls want to come back to my place to go swimming?

US: No.

THAT guy: Beautiful views of the city, roof top pool. It's soo cool. I'm sooo cool!

US: No.

THAT guy: C'mon, girls. Don't you like swimming? It'll be fun.

US: No.

THAT guy: Like I said, it's got a great view of the city. On the rooftop. I'm not rich by any means, it's not my place, but it's cool.

ME: Wait, you're NOT rich?

THAT guy: Is that the kind of girl you are? Only into rich guys?

ME: Yep.* What kind of car do you drive?

THAT guy: Yeah, good luck with that. and then under his breath... Shallow bitch.

And that, my friends, is how to get rid of a creepy loser.

*No, we're not really this shallow, but we had to get rid of him somehow...

Watch-a doing?

2010-09-27T12:01:00.000-07:00

Guy in bar grabs girl's wrist tenderly of course.

"I love your watch! Is that a Rolex?" He asks her.

"Um. No. It's a FOSSIL." She replies.

Not. A. Rolex.

You're Married? Well then Eff you!

2010-09-22T14:33:00.001-07:00

How not to pick up a married chick.

I ain't no hollaback girl

2010-09-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

Girl, I've been wanting to holla' at you all night.

What the hell am I? A pig?

Soooieeeee!!!!

one day he'll find the right guhl

2010-09-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

eh guhl how's yous doins guhl. come back and kick it wit' me ya know guhl?

does this really work??? no.

dirty thirty

2010-09-13T08:01:00.000-07:00

While out for my 30th birthday with a tiara on my head:

"How old are you?"

"30"

"Me, too! We should date!"

Oh right. Swoon! Calling all 30 year old men out there - come date me! We have so much in common!!!!

how to be unprofessional

2010-09-10T07:57:00.000-07:00

Overheard in the girls' bathroom at a bar over the weekend:

"He was like - your breasts, are they sore, too?"

Apparently, the girl had a very forward masseuse...

That's not your real name

2010-09-09T07:57:00.000-07:00

"Hi I'm Clay and I'm putty in your hands"

Some suggestions, Clay, if that IS your real name:

"Hi I'm Clay and you can fire up my kiln anytime."

"Hi I'm Clay and you can shape me anyway you'd like."

"Hi I'm Clay and I'm going to make a douchey pun about pottery."

You have really good facial structure.. it's breathtaking.

2010-09-01T13:22:00.000-07:00

And you sound like a plastic surgeon. G'day.

No I will not go home with you

2010-08-31T13:20:00.000-07:00

Even if you say "we don't have to do anything."

LOSER.

guys trying to impress girls with guitars

2010-08-30T13:20:00.000-07:00

guy with guitar: "what song do you want to hear?"

me: "you know any zeppelin?"

guy with guitar: "nah, but I know Tom Petty."

me: "what about pearl jam?"

guy with guitar: "How about this Tom Petty song?"

me: "how do you not know any Zeppelin?"

guy with guitar: "How about this Tom Petty song?"

me: "oh, so you only know one song then?"

guy-trying-too-hard-for-a-lay's anatomy

2010-06-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

the following conversation occurred in my friend k's condo complex. on a side note, i really hope this guy doesn't live there.

creepy dude "you have a nice anatomy"

my friend k: "um... thanks?"

"it's a good thing."

what she should have said: you sound like a serial killer. who likes my anatomy? dexter?

Blame it on the A-a-a-a-a-a-cohol...

2010-04-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

If I gave you the wrong number, don't assume I'm being a bitch.

I might just be really, really drunk.

I don't care what Britney says about 3...

2010-04-24T12:34:00.000-07:00

I don't want to have a threesome.

With you and your friend.

Your friend who's a dude.

Ew.

Make sure your boyfriend isn't going to cockblock...

2010-04-23T13:12:00.000-07:00

I met this girl out at the bar. We were having a great time. She was awesome.

We went back to her place score and her boyfriend was passed out on her stoop.

I went home alone.

Man UP and ask me out already!

2010-04-22T16:42:00.000-07:00

I'm familiar with courting. It was sweet and romantic in the 11th century maybe. Doing it in the 21st century is just lazy.

Unless I'm a member of a the Duggar family (which I'm not), you don't need to court me. Ask me on a damn date already and stop calling to have conversations to "get to know me better."

MAN UP!

No, you may not cut in!

2010-04-21T16:38:00.000-07:00

If I dancing with another guy, I probably don't want you to pull me away from him. That's not romantic. Especially when you're a drunken mess who grabs my wrist like you're going to throw me in an unmarked van.

Not cool.

Ford the Win!!

2010-04-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

RT @moooooog35: In my quest to become the World's Greatest Pickup Artist, I just painted an awesome picture of a Ford F-150.

Just a suggestion...

2010-04-21T05:56:00.000-07:00

If my friend doesn't want to give you her number, I probably don't want to either.

No I will NOT be your consolation prize!

You can't hold my purse hostage!!!

2010-04-20T16:38:00.000-07:00

Seriously. I didn't leave my purse over at your place on purpose. I know sometimes girls do that (but not me, of course), but this is not one of those times. I probably was trying to get out of there as quickly as possible after a lackluster time.

When I call you asking to retrieve it, I don't want to go to dinner with you to get it back.

Don't MAKE me go to dinner with you to get it back.

I don't want to date you. I just want my purse back.

UGH. Sometimes cancelling your credit cards and going to the DMV is just easier than dealing with a lame dude.

Culture Shock

2010-04-19T17:51:00.000-07:00

Stacey shared this tale with us:

Location: East Africa

Guy: "For a $100 I will let you have my baby."

Me: "Can I get a side of AIDS with that, too?"

witnessed this AMAZING pickup line at the mall

2009-04-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

Guy -That's a nice t-shirt.
Girl - Thanks, I got it 50 percent off!
Guy - Come to my car and we'll make it 100 percent off.

i will pour a drink on your head.

2009-04-24T08:39:00.000-07:00

i don't know when "why is it that only ugly girls talk to us?" is a good pick up line. but i'm pretty sure it's never.

don't be an animal

2009-04-23T08:37:00.000-07:00

it's just not cool

Don't try these at home

2009-03-06T11:36:00.001-08:00

Top 10 Bad Pick Up Lines according to AskMen.com

"You put the "U" in Utah."

2009-03-05T08:33:00.001-08:00

I found this video of Mormon Pickup Lines on Holytaco.com.

Family Guy Quotes only go so far....

2009-03-02T14:14:00.000-08:00

just because it's funny when quagmire says it; doesn't mean you should.
Click here for larger view

the back of your head is ridicalus!

2009-02-16T13:19:00.000-08:00

Can I Have Yo Numbah - MAD TV

What's your name delicate?

bad pickup line of the week

2009-02-16T13:18:00.001-08:00

"hi my name is steve but you can call me anytime"

You've got to be starbucking kidding me..

2009-02-11T10:59:00.000-08:00

File this one under "Really? I mean, Really!?"

Thanks, Yeti.

More items to leave off your bookshelf...

2009-02-06T09:44:00.001-08:00

Guys, if you're going to have a book called "Women: Maxim's Ultimate Guide," I would advise you against actually putting it on your bookshelf. You shouldn't even have this book at all, but if you do, HIDE IT. Especially since once I see it I might actually take it off the shelf, make fun of you, and open it up to find that cheesy move you just used on me you know, the one that made me want to barf on your shoes and/or get another drink or seven . ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Girls: Do not leave out titles such as "He's Just Not That Into You," "The Rules," or "Goodbye Hangovers: Hello Life."

The Dealbreaker Lair

2009-02-06T09:25:00.000-08:00

An explanation please?

"People bought the Beanie Babies for me. It's not like I bought them for myself!"

Yeah, well, you prominently displayed them on a shelf in your living room YOURSELF. Deal.Breaker.

go see the movie role models!

2008-12-22T09:03:00.000-08:00

girl, you're sexy like a chocolate strawberry

santa, baby

2008-12-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

When out on a Santa Pub Crawl and everyone is dressed as Santa, it's not original to ask a girl if she's been "naughty or nice." It's been done. And no, I don't want to play any reindeer games.

Take a Hint

2008-12-08T12:33:00.000-08:00

If I don't return your text right away, you don't need to text me 4 more times. Give me like, at least a day to reply. Especially if said texts are during work hours. Also, if you DO text 4 more times and call again within 2 hours, I will probably lose any desire I had to text you back or pick up my phone. Actually, I WILL lose all desire to text you back or pick up my phone.

Furthermore, if you decide to call AGAIN two hours later and that would surely not ever happen, right? and I STILL don't respond, don't text me and call me ever again. Certainly not 4 more times in the next two days. Also, if I politely rebuff your request for a date after these 72 hours of overzealous texting/phone calling/me ignoring you, take a hint. Probably just not that into you. Could be I'm not over an ex, I don't feel like dating right now, I am having a fat day, or oh, I don't know, you scared the crap out of me with you psychoness.

Last, I'll say this. No, it's not my loss. Unless by "loss" you mean it's me dodging a freakin' bullet.

Not that this has ever happened to me before... just some friendly advice.

You look like my sister

2008-12-02T07:59:00.000-08:00

Click here to read what NOT to say in a Starbucks...

"What's a polar bear weigh?

2008-12-01T12:54:00.000-08:00

Enough to break the ice. Hi, my name is Matt."

- Some guy (apparently named Matt) at Sharkeez in Manhattan Beach, CA

To quote David Allen Coe, "You never even called me by my name!"

2008-11-26T10:54:00.001-08:00

Some bar in Athens, GA circa 2003

Guy: "Heather! Hey Heather!"

Me: "Um.. my name's not Heather."

Guy: "Oh. Are you sure?"

Me: "Nope. I forgot my own name. And lucky me! Here you are, gallivanting on over, to save the day! Yes! It IS Heather and now I want to make out with you. Now, take me to bed or lose me forever! SWOON."

Note: That last part? Yeah. Totally didn't happen.

you can submit your own pick-up stories to: shirtordress@gmail.com

I could have babysat you....

2008-11-21T04:58:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles, 2008
I'm 28 and on the Subway. Two teenagers discuss the girl they were just talking to.
Teenager #1: "Dude, I think she was married."
Teenager #2: "No way! She was so into me!"
Teenager #1: "She had a ring on - wait what hand does it have to be on?"
Teenager #2: "I don't know," turns to me, "Which hand does a woman wear a wedding ring?"
Me: "The left."
Teenager #2 looks down at my hand.
"How come you don't have a ring on?"
I think - ha! Long story...
"Can I put a ring on your finger?"
I start walking away briskly....
"Ah c'mon! I can make you feel like you're 18 again!"
Oh wow. He didn't just say what I thought he did...

Did THAT just happen?

Please do NOT threaten to serial kill me.

2008-11-20T15:45:00.000-08:00

You would think that a change of venue would help aid NK, Kim, and I in our quest for a normal evening out. A normal evening out away from the douchebags of East Andrews (read about our unfortunate d-bag encounter below). Sadly, this is not the case. Even in Midtown (the one place in Atlanta where a girl should feel sheltered from the inane pick-up attempts from the opposite sex - well... okay maybe not), we attract total nutjobs.

Like, this guy, seen pictured below. Oh yes, he is indeed wearing a jean jacket, shorts, and mandals.* What you can't see? His perfectly coifed hair.

What you also can't see is his poorly executed pick up line. Which went a little something like this: "I have an idea. The three of you can come back with me to my place. I'll get you naked. I'll wrap you all up in saran wrap - don't worry I'll poke holes so you can breathe - and we'll all have a good time. Sound good?"Um. No, Ted Bundy, we would not like you to serial kill us.

Now, upon further investigation (as in me texting seventy million people regarding this incident), it has been brought to my attention that it's a movie quote. Oh! Happy day! It's a movie quote. A movie quote from "The Break-up," which in case you have forgotten (and you probably have) is one of Vince Vaughan's crappier movies. But a movie quote - well that makes it all better! No. Actually... it doesn't. I'm all for quoting movies, but pick something a tad bit romantic, okay? I mean, maybe something from "Hope Floats," "Notting Hill," or something else starring Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts (oh, but don't call me a prostitute. Probably a bad idea). Hell, quote the "Spongebob Squarepants" movie for all I care. But saran wrap? I mean, what in the H-e-double hockey sticks are you trying to pull here, jeanjacketmandalsshortsman?

*Note: Mandals, or sandals for men, are right up there with jean shorts. I mean, unless you are a greek philosopher, a roman soldier, or Jesus himself, as a man you should never ever wear sandals.

How NOT to proliferate interracial dating...

2008-11-18T09:08:00.000-08:00

From Lacey Bean over at "Perks of Being a Jap":

I was like 17 years old, and bike riding around a park near my house. Got a drink of water at the fountain, and as a rode away, some Hispanic dude yelled after me, "Yo, Shorty! I never made it with a white girl before!"

Um... Neither have I?

You can submit your stories to shirtordress@gmail.com

The sad state of the world... here's how NOT to pick up a girl

2008-11-17T08:45:00.000-08:00

Ok, not that I think people find their soul mates in bars or anything, but show some class people. Last Friday, we made the mistake of going out to East Andrews in Atlanta, which quite possibly could be the worst tool bag bar I've ever been to in my life. I mean, any stupid pick up line you could think of was used on me and my friends that night.

"Hey, did you girls, uh, drop this, uh, lighter?"

Um... seriously? Have you seen ANY of us smoking all night? You've only been standing there for about an hour trying to figure out what to say as your "icebreaker."

"Why do you have such a big purse? I mean, why would you ever need a purse that big? Do you have, like, your dog in there or something?"

Um no. I don't carry my dog in my purse. In fact, I would never even think about owning a dog that could even fit into a purse. Any dog under 40 pounds sucks and we all know this. And insulting my fashion sense isn't going to make me swoon.

This one, however takes the cake:

Crazy Guy to Nicky: "Not bad.Not bad at all."

I might add that he said this as he was looking her up and down like a crazy pedophile might look at a 4th grader. It was gross.

Crazy Guy: "See, I've been checking you four out for the last 20 minutes or so and I've decided she's the one." (points to Nicky)
Crazy Guy to Kim (as Kim looks at himwith the ultimate look of disgust): "You're just mad because I didn't pick you."
Kim: "No, I'm just mad because you're treating my friend like she's a piece of meat."

Crazy Guy then tries to insult Kim the best he can (it's hard, she's gorgeous). The phrase, "otherwise you're pretty hot" comes up. What a d-bag.

20 minutes later at the bar, I find myself next to Crazy Guy. Ugh. I try to get out of this "it's only going get worse before it gets better" situation but he looks at me and says:

"You're just mad because I didn't pick you."

Me to Crazy Guy: "Yeah, you wish."

Crazy Guy to me: "Its ok, honey. Just lose about 10 pounds and then we'll talk."

Right. Ok... I then went back and told Nicky and she just Swooned. She found this guy and then went home with him. I mean, she was super impressed that he could insult all of her friends like that. It's a talent you don't find in most men. Ok, so that last part didn't happen because, well, why the hell would it??

And that, my friends, is how you do NOT pick up a girl.

The end.